In autism research, siblings are sometimes referred to as "the forgotten children." While enormous attention goes to the autistic child — therapies, evaluations, school plans — the brothers and sisters growing up alongside them often navigate complex emotions with far less support.
This does not mean parents are failing. It means the support system around autism-affected families was not designed with siblings in mind. Understanding what siblings actually experience — both the challenges and the remarkable strengths — is the first step to getting it right.
What Research Shows About Siblings
The evidence on siblings is genuinely mixed — which is why it is important not to paint only a negative picture or a falsely positive one. Both are real.
- Higher rates of anxiety and depression (Ferraioli & Harris 2010)
- Feeling less noticed or less important than the autistic sibling
- Embarrassment or difficulty explaining sibling's behavior in public
- Resentment about unequal parenting time and attention
- Taking on a caregiver role too early
- Worry about the autistic sibling's future — and their own role in it
- Feeling they cannot be upset in front of parents who are already stressed
- Greater empathy and sensitivity toward others who are different
- Stronger tolerance for diversity and difference
- Higher rates of pursuing caring professions (medicine, education, social work)
- A deeper sense of loyalty and responsibility
- More mature perspective on what truly matters
- Natural advocacy skills — often become strong voices for disability inclusion
- Close, meaningful bond with autistic sibling in many families
Research by Kaminsky & Dewey (2002) found that many siblings report their relationship with their autistic brother or sister as one of the most meaningful in their life — even while acknowledging its difficulty.
What to Tell Siblings at Each Age
Simple and concrete
"Your brother's brain works a little differently. That's why he sometimes needs more help or gets upset. It's not your fault. He loves you."
More detail, focus on the child's feelings
Name autism. Explain it briefly. Invite questions. Emphasize: "It is okay to feel frustrated sometimes. I want to hear how you feel."
Honest about complexity, include them
Acknowledge the unfairness when it exists. Ask for their perspective on family dynamics. Let them participate in some decisions. Watch for anxiety or depression.
Address the future honestly
Teenagers often worry about what their role will be as adults. Be honest: "We are figuring out [sibling's] long-term support together. You will not be solely responsible. We want to talk about this with you."
What You Can Do as a Parent
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👥Protect one-on-one time Even 20 minutes of undivided, child-led time with the non-autistic sibling makes a measurable difference. It does not have to be elaborate — a walk, a game, reading together. Consistent, not occasional.
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💬Explicitly give permission to have negative feelings Siblings often suppress frustration or grief because they sense that parents are already overwhelmed. Directly say: "It's okay to feel angry or jealous sometimes. Those feelings make sense. You can tell me."
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👔Keep siblings' activities and milestones visible Attend their events. Celebrate their achievements. Make it clear that their life, progress, and interests matter equally — even when logistics are harder.
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🤝Teach, don't just expect Young siblings will naturally struggle to understand behavioral differences. Explain, gently and often. Do not expect a 7-year-old to have a 30-year-old's patience — but do help them build understanding.
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🏪Consider Sibshops or sibling therapy Sibshops are peer-support programs specifically for siblings of children with disabilities. They reduce isolation, normalize the sibling experience, and help children develop healthy coping. Individual therapy is worth considering if anxiety or depression is present.
Watch for These Signs That a Sibling Needs More Support
- Persistent sadness, withdrawal, or loss of interest in activities they previously enjoyed
- Declining school performance without an obvious cause
- Expressing that they wish they were autistic (to get more attention) or that they don't exist
- Refusing to bring friends home or being secretive about the family
- Taking on a parenting role with the autistic sibling — managing their behavior, calming meltdowns alone
- Expressing that they are a "burden" or that the family would be better without them
These are not signs of a bad sibling or a bad parent. They are signs that a child needs more support than the family alone can provide.
The Long-Term Picture
Adult siblings who received support, explanation, and regular one-on-one parent time consistently describe their autistic sibling as a source of meaning, not just difficulty. They cite the relationship as having deepened their sense of empathy and purpose.
The goal is not to shield siblings from the complexity of their family — it is to make sure they are never navigating it alone.
Clinical Sources
- Ferraioli, S.J. & Harris, S.L. (2010). The impact of autism on siblings. Social Work in Mental Health.
- Kaminsky, L. & Dewey, D. (2002). Psychosocial adjustment in siblings of children with autism. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.
- Meyer, D.J. (1997). Views from Our Shoes: Growing Up with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs. Woodbine House.
- Hastings, R.P. (2003). Brief report: Behavioral adjustment of siblings of children with autism. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.
- American Academy of Pediatrics (2020). Caring for children with autism spectrum disorder.
- Sibshops program (sibshops.org) — Donald Meyer, Sibling Support Project.
Support for Your Whole Family
The Nesto app includes family activity plans and sibling guide resources to help every child in your home feel included and understood.
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